Paranormal Activity

I think I might forever refer to this one as “the movie that wasn’t there.” Not because it was bad; it wasn’t bad. But what it was rumored to be and what it was promised to provide simply never came. Those audience reaction snippets on the commercials for it are so comically misleading and (in hindsight) infuriating that I have to fight back the urge to say it’s a bad movie. Because it isn’t. I think. Oh fuck I don’t even know anymore.

For those who haven’t seen it, here is an itemized list of stuff in the movie that should make it scary:

-80% of the film takes place in infrared night vision

-Shit’s about ghosts, motherfucker!

Without spoiling anything, the story follows a woman who has been “visited” by ghosts or some such madness since she was eight-years-old. Off and on she would get these unwanted visits and when we join her in the film a new round has just begun, this time in a new house with her fiance.

The fiance purchases a camera to record the crazy stuff that happens while they sleep. The anticipation of something scary happening is palpable. Your skin will likely scream, waiting for that (whatever) to jump out at you and scare you pissless.

But where the fuck is it? Where is my token fright? And don’t give me the “but that’s what makes it scary; that it isn’t unrealistic.” First of all, fuck you, this isn’t your review. Second, normally I would agree with you if this was a Blair Witch Project-type film. What made that movie so intensely scary is the unknown about a legend of a centuries-old witch that began to play mind games on the inhabitants of the cursed forest. In the end, there was no witch. It was the work of some crazy, asshole killer(s) who clearly played up the legend to their advantage to fuck with their tormented victims.

Most sane people realize that ghosts are not real, hence the “reality” aspect is already fucked from jump street. If your shit is about ghosts, you better bring the scary, goddammit. I watched this movie alone. In the dark. Curled up in a ball. I was just waiting for the horror. After all, I was promised mucho horror. As the movie continued, my fetal position unfolded into a confused tangle of sad arms and disappointed legs.

The scare never came. And I was sad.

So how can I say that it wasn’t a bad movie if it failed to deliver on the one thing I demanded of it? Well, because I realize what they were trying to do. By not overplaying the visual part of the haunting, they focused more on the mental anguish caused by the (admittedly creepy) things caught on camera. I get it. It was a valiant effort. But like I said, if you’re bringing ghosts to me, some shit had better go down. And even when the film reached its crescendo I was left wanting. Not to mention the fact that the alternate ending was approximately 794,982,608,524,586 times better than the sorry one they used.

I so desperately wanted to love this movie. I bought the goddamn thing for $22 for shit sake. I just assumed that it would bring its A game. I was left to wallow in the remains of its C.

Score – 65

P.S. – You will hate the guy in the movie. That is a fucking guarantee. I want his head on a pike.